🏒 Slapshot BI
Forget Artificial Intelligence. After billions of years of biological R&D, the human brain remains the most advanced general-purpose reasoning engine ever deployed. Slapshot BI is the first analytics platform built from the ground up to harness this extraordinary — and criminally underutilized — technology.
Try Slapshot OLAP Explorer View Pricing🍖 Announcing our $0 Series D, led by Arby's
We're thrilled to announce that Arby's venture arm "Meat Capital" has led our $0 Series D round, valuing Slapshot BI at an undisclosed amount that we are choosing not to disclose because it is zero. "They have the insights," said a spokesperson who may or may not exist. This brings our total funding to $0 across four rounds — a testament to our capital efficiency and complete lack of a business model.
Why Human Intelligence?
The analytics industry has spent the last decade chasing artificial intelligence — pouring billions into GPU clusters, transformer architectures, and prompt engineering. Meanwhile, the most powerful analytical engine ever created has been sitting right there. Between your ears. Drawing a salary. Mostly going to meetings.
Slapshot BI is the first platform to recognize that Human Intelligence (HI) isn't a bug — it's the ultimate feature. Our proprietary Biological Processing Unit (BPU™) technology leverages the full power of the human cortex to deliver insights that are not just accurate, but actually understood by the person looking at them.
Biological Processing Units (BPU™)
Each Slapshot deployment ships with access to a fully-trained human brain — no fine-tuning required. Our BPUs have been pre-trained on approximately 20-40 years of real-world data, including context, nuance, and office politics.
Coffee-Powered Inference
While competing platforms require megawatts of power and water-cooled data centers, Slapshot's BPU runs on approximately 3 cups of coffee per day. Total power consumption: ~100 watts. Carbon neutral if you bike to work.
Native Sarcasm Detection
Unlike LLMs that struggle with tone, Slapshot's HI engine detects sarcasm, passive aggression, and "per my last email" energy with 99.7% accuracy. Critical for enterprise Slack analytics.
OLAP Cube Technology
Remember OLAP cubes? We do. Slapshot brings back the golden age of drag-and-drop dimensional analysis with a genuine Office 2003 aesthetic. Because some things were perfect the first time.
Zero Hallucination Guarantee
Slapshot's HI engine doesn't hallucinate.* It occasionally makes mistakes, misremembers things, and jumps to conclusions — but those
are features, not bugs. That's just thinking.
*Guarantee void if BPU has not had lunch.
Hyperthreaded OLAP Mesh™
Our proprietary HTOM technology connects multiple BPUs in a mesh network (also known as "a meeting") to achieve parallel processing of complex analytical queries. Synergy not included but available as an add-on.
Benchmarks: HI vs. AI
Independent testing by the Slapshot Research Division (me, in my apartment) confirms that Human Intelligence outperforms Artificial Intelligence across every metric that matters:
| Capability | GPT-4 | Claude | Slapshot HI |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sarcasm Detection | 23% | 41% | 99.7% ✓ |
| Detecting When Boss Is In A Bad Mood | 0% | 0% | 94% ✓ |
| Understanding "Can You Just..." | 12% | 18% | 100% ✓ |
| Power Consumption | ~1MW | ~500kW | 3 coffees ✓ |
| Explaining Results to CFO | Verbose | Too polite | With hand gestures ✓ |
| Knowing When Data "Looks Wrong" | No | No | Immediately ✓ |
| Surviving a 4-Hour Strategy Meeting | N/A | N/A | Barely ✓ |
| Processing Speed (tokens/sec) | 100K+ ✓ | 80K+ ✓ | Like 4, honestly |
* Benchmarks conducted under controlled conditions (3 cups of coffee, ergonomic chair, lo-fi hip hop playlist). Results may vary based on day of week, proximity to lunch, and whether Mercury is in retrograde.
Architecture
Slapshot's revolutionary Biological Processing Architecture eliminates the need for GPUs, TPUs, or any other three-letter acronym that requires a cooling system:
Try Slapshot OLAP Explorer
Experience the power of Human Intelligence firsthand. Our flagship OLAP Explorer is available now as a MotherDuck Dive — a fully interactive analytical application powered by 3.2 million NYC taxi records and genuine Office 2003 nostalgia.
Drag dimensions. Slice cubes. Feel the raw power of a crosstab. It's like PowerPlay never left.
🏒 Slapshot OLAP Explorer v1.0.3
Available now in the MotherDuck Dive Gallery
Features: Drag-and-drop OLAP | Live SQL | 5 Measures | Bar/Line/Pie Charts
Data: NYC Taxi Dataset (Nov 2022) | 3,252,717 facts
What People Are Saying*
* All testimonials are fictional. Any resemblance to real opinions is coincidental and, frankly, concerning.
Pricing
Simple, transparent pricing. No hidden fees. No tokens. No GPU surcharges.
Individual
You already have a brain
- 1 Biological Processing Unit
- Unlimited coffee interface
- Basic sarcasm detection
- OLAP Explorer access
- Community support (ask a friend)
Team
Also free, obviously
- Up to 10 BPUs (a "team")
- Hyperthreaded OLAP Mesh™
- Advanced sarcasm detection
- Meeting-based parallel processing
- "Looks Wrong" data validation
- Slack integration (you type in Slack)
Enterprise
Still free. We have no revenue model.
- Unlimited BPUs
- SSO (Single Sign-On to the Office)
- SOC 2 compliant (the humans are)
- Dedicated account manager (Dave)
- On-premise deployment (they come to your office)
- 24/7 support (Dave sleeps sometimes)
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is this real?
A: The OLAP Explorer is absolutely real. You can use it right now. The company? Check the date.
Q: Do I actually need this?
A: You already have the core technology (a brain). Slapshot just gives it a retro UI to work with.
Q: What about AI?
A: AI is great. We love AI. Some of our best friends are AI. But have you tried just... thinking about your data? With your eyes? Revolutionary.
Q: Why does it look like Windows XP?
A: Because the peak of UI design was reached in 2003 and we've been in decline ever since. Flat design is a psyop.
Q: Can I invest?
A: We are not accepting investment at this time. Or any time. We have no business model and no plans to develop one.
Q: Who made this?
A: Ryan Dolley, who should probably be doing real work right now.